Depression is steering the keyboard tonight, thoughts and sentences may be erratic 🤷🏻♀️
I’m sitting in my corner of the couch and all I can think is, “I don’t want to go to counseling tomorrow.” My psychologist was so proud of me two weeks ago at the last session and now I have to walk into the VA tomorrow, a total mess.
I am sad. As I sit and think about the past two weeks, I come to the realization that I’ve left the house a handful of times since my last appointment. I’m wilting away in my corner of the couch. I want to leave the corner, then I feel too weak. One minute it’s nausea, another moment I feel lightheaded when I stand, so I sit back in my corner. My youngest daughter is in and out of the house, between work, her college studies and her friends. She brings me a sweet tea nearly every day at some point when she’s coming home from an outing. I’m failing my youngest. I’m not being the parent she deserves me to be. I’m depressed. My daughter knows that mommy isn’t leaving the corner of the couch. She no longer asks if I’d like a tea, she brings one. This means she’s noticed, and I didn’t realize that until just now as I’m typing, and it breaks my heart a little. I’m not embarrassed for my daughter to know I’m depressed or struggling with some emotions. I simply feel I’m not being the parent I should be.
In my corner of the couch, there’s a place for my phone, iPad, and MacBook to charge. I’ve set myself up in a little cockpit of technology. I have a tray that holds my cannabis vapes, a bottle of water, a lip balm and a few other small, daily-use items. Everything is within a comfortable reach. I can function here with the limited ROM in my left shoulder. It is my safe space and I’m spending more and more time in it. Hours go by and my daughter and boyfriend may have left and come home and I have not left my corner.
I have spent close to 75% of the past couple weeks in my corner on the couch. I don’t want to go to counseling tomorrow…