An elevated mind is steering the keyboard tonight 🤪. Most that know me are aware of my open, legal use of medical cannabis. Those who know me well, are aware that my life is canna centric at this time, but this isn’t about that.
There are times I reach a point of pain and depression that I look for a product that will elevate my spirit and bring on the euphoria. Why not? I consider it having my glass of wine to relax. I have had a fairly good few days, and I don’t want to only post when I’m down or telling an ugly story about my past. That’s only a small part of who I am.
Somehow, when I have a certain amount of cannabis, or when I reach a certain “high”, my mind seems to open up in new ways. I have somewhat learned to manipulate the energy surrounding me, that helps me get past the depressed times. I’ve realized that when there’s negativity around me, I feel a pressure (think of the high and low pressure lines they show on meteorological maps) and it begins to tighten around me. Not around so much as coming down on me uniformly all over at once, then the air being sucked out to form a vacuum seal and I’m suffocating inside. That leads to depression and bad feels. I don’t like bad feels, I personally don’t know anyone who does. Anyhooo, I have figured out that I can control that energy that starts to compress me and force it open, from time to time. Sometimes, my mind joins the openness.
So, there is some weird movie playing on the television and I don’t have the slightest idea of who, what, when, where or how. I did hear them arguing about the youngest son wanting to sit in “Old Oak”, a tree in a forest that they were planning to knock down to build a manufacturing facility (which they make apparent the city really needs). I feel like they were implying that the tree had a spirit or something, I don’t know, really was not paying attention. The repeating of “Old Oak” made me think of a friend that some call Tree.
I looked to see if Tree had texted me last or vice versa. I’m weird at times (most of the time some would say), and I look to see who sent the last message before texting someone. If they sent the last one and I didn’t “like” it or provide some sort of acknowledgement that I received the message, I kind of feel like an ass. I know I’m not really being an ass, but since my second marriage to the narcissist, there is a subconscious need for me to feel I have received permission to end a conversation, not always, but at times. If I sent the most recent text and don’t know if it’s been received/read, I feel like if I send another text or two, I’m blowing their phone up. Self doubt and insecurity, it’s a thing.
“It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it”
Well, he had sent the last text, so I felt comfortable sending my message (again, I’ve got a weird thing) and began typing. I was asking him something regarding how I’ve had a few people look me straight in the face and say, “You intimidate me.”. I’m not really sure why, however it’s happened. Maybe everyone has experienced this and I have simply never opened my mouth to discuss it so I don’t know 🤷🏻♀️. None the less, it made me start thinking about how I have had a near exact experience in every medical office I have ever worked in. Someone has held ill will towards me, one got malicious, and I was “intimidating”. As I have moved out of that arena, my mind has been in places that allow for it to open more and I am having great experiences discovering that there are people who think like me and don’t assume I’m mean because my face naturally frowns, or I get a ‘game face’ when I’m busy.
My boyfriend, Joe, was the first person to enter my life that I could speak to without having to put conscious thought into my tone before I spoke. When I was younger, I was told that everybody liked me until I opened my mouth. How did I make it past forty with no one ever truly understanding me? It was lonely, I can say that. I now have people around me that don’t seem to hold the same thought process I was fed growing up, that “once I open my mouth to speak….”. I don’t really know how else to counter what I was told. How does a parent raise a child with the beliefs that “children are to be seen and not heard”, “everybody likes you until you open your mouth” and ooh, my favorite “it’s not what you said it’s how you said it.”? I have found myself wanting to say the last one to my girls from time to time, but I have always bitten my tongue. The last thing I would ever do is weaken my daughters’ voices. They’re strong and loud and that makes me immensely proud.
Between counseling and the new people that have entered my life, that seem to care what I have to say, I’m experiencing a feeling that I think is happiness, but it’s mixed with fear that I’m going to say something I shouldn’t, then no one will like me. I am working on trying to dispel what was instilled in childhood.
Kay, my thoughts are taking a turn, it might be time to set the laptop down and try to sleep. 😴🧚🏼♂️🌱💚